7.11.2011

Dear Autumn



Dear Autumn,

Today was one of "those days". It was the first time in the 20+ months you've been around that I missed my old life. The life without any real responsibilies. The life where I could come and go as I pleased, clean with music blaring and without someone following me around messing up what I had just cleaned... You'd wanted nothing more than my undivided attention today (I've made that sound much more appealing than it sounds - you literally would not leave my side all day) but by the time Daddy came home tonight I was wallowing in a pity party for myself.

I took you up to the bath to start our nightly routine and when I turned off the water in an attempt to move the process along to the diapering and pajama portion of the evening, you flipped out. I decided instead of arguing and wrestling with you I would let you "get it out" until you were ready to go to bed. I proceeded to space out on the floor next to the tub and wallow in self-pity about how horribly cluttered and messy my house was. Laundry that needed to be done. My skin that suddenly broke out like a pre-pubescent girl this week. That I didn't have a million dollars to buy cuter clothes to impress other girls with (let's be honest, no girl dresses for other guys). You were jumping up and down in a fit, and I knew what was going to happen. However, I was too wrapped up in my pity-party that I let it happen, and happen it did. You scraped the side of your chest along the underside of the faucet on your way "up". I knew it was painful. I knew I should have grabbed you out of the tub when you started to melt down.

Immediately your tears changed from tears of frustration to tears of pain. I wrapped you in a towel and held you while I began to cry. I was being so selfish and "woe is me" that I let this happen. You wrestled free and stood up and assessed yourself - but then you looked at me. You could see me crying, wiping away my tears. Yep, one of "those" days. You stood perfectly still and perfectly quiet when you noticed I was sad. You knew. You're so little and small but you knew that crying meant Mommy was sad. It seemed like minutes went by where I cried and you didn't move or say a word.

As I wiped my face and looked up at you, with full force and without any prompting you ran into me and threw your arms around my neck and squeezed so tight. You held me while I began sobbing into your sweet little head and let me hold you for as long as I needed.

I can't remember now why I would have ever missed or wished for my "old life" - because I wouldn't give you up for anything in the world. You mean everything to me. You are me. I love you so much and I am so thankful everyday - even the rough days - that you are all mine.

Love,
Mom

8 comments:

  1. Brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful, and honest. No Mom is perfect, but you are obviously a wonderful one. All the best to you, Autumn, and your entire family!

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  2. Yep, now I'm crying too. Love those little babies. They are so sweet.

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  3. Love this. I have these days too and it's comforting to know I'm not the only one. It's crazy how in tune kids are though. And I love the picture!

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  4. This brought tears to my eyes as well. Some days I don't know how I am ever get through the "rough" days of a two year old and all I want to do is cry and scream right along with my son, but then he does somthing so precious and I know it's all worth it.

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  5. Apparently many have had these same sort of days lately because your words also brought tears to my eyes. It often takes something happening to bring things into perspective for us. Hang in there!

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  6. Reminds me of the times I'm beyond frustrated with one/all of the kids, and then later, I go in to check on them when they're sleeping, and it's suddenly hard to remember why I was so upset earlier. Or at least I feel super guilty about how I handled whatever it was that happened. =)

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  7. This got me crying, mostly out of recognition that I've been the same way with my baby girl. I can be so selfish sometimes. Beautiful post!

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